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Another Sleepless Night (A Moment Of Transparency, Pt. 2)

Where can we go when the weight of the world is upon our shoulders? Continue to hope in God...

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God…” (Ps. 42:5).

Another day that I cannot focus. So what do I do? I have not slept well over the past two nights. Things have been troubling me. I believe that this is just a distraction from the enemy to knock me off track. There has been a great amount of progress with things here since moving here, but there is still so much more to go. I do not understand. Why am I allowing this to bother me so much? I do not think I have ever allowed anything to bother me to the point that I have lost sleep over it for two days straight. Just trying to process things. A mind that always moves with random thinking and a multitude of things racing through it is now singularly focused upon one thing.

I am torn between knowing what to do and not knowing what to do. I believe this is the most vulnerable my wife has ever seen me. It is upsetting to her because of her thoughts towards the source of my conflict. I do not want her to be upset, but I know it is only because of her feelings for me. Even typing this makes me feel ashamed. She came out of the room for something to drink and I closed the window because I was embarrassed about the thoughts that I am writing about. I think, for once, I am embarrassed to share my thoughts and feelings with her.

I apologize for venting and ranting. They say writing about your feelings is supposed to be therapeutic or something. As much as I like to write, I am not feeling any better by writing down these thoughts. So I am not sure if this really works for everyone. Maybe it depends on the situation. Who knows? I do not know. All I do know is that I do not know how to resolve this issue that has not gone away. I do not know how to approach it. I thought I was good last night before I went to sleep, but then at 1:24am, I woke up and could not go back to sleep…again…O, wretched man that I am…

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